8:00 AM. Eat breakfast, take Amoxicillin for skin infection and a Zyrtec to relieve the itching from PUPPP.
10:00 AM. Check blood glucose, eat a snack.
1:00 PM. Pick up husband from work. Eat lunch, take iron pill for anemia, slather self in menthol lotion for PUPPP. Return husband to work.
3:00 PM. Check blood glucose, eat a snack. Consider gnawing own leg off to relieve itching from PUPPP.
5:00 PM. Pick up husband up from work. Eat dinner, neurotically calculating the amount of carbohydrates in everything. Bitch at husband for losing ten pounds on diabetic diet while you have continued to blow up like a balloon; talk about needing cosmetic surgery to put your body back together until he looks like he's about to cry from the guilt. Apologize and blame your moodiness on being unable to gnaw off your own leg two hours previously. Take a multivitamin and a DHA supplement.
7:00 PM. Check blood glucose, blame your fatness on your dietitian. Consider eating a snack.
8:00 PM. Have a breakdown because your husband let you pick the TV show and you chose a documentary show from Animal Planet about rescue dogs and one of the dogs got put to sleep. Eat the snack you were considering at 7 PM to console yourself.
8:30 PM. Make husband rub your feet with aloe vera and/or menthol lotion after attempting to scratch your toes off from PUPPP. Tell him to pay close attention to your ankles as you cannot live another day without going into labor.
10:00 PM. Take a shower. Psych yourself up, telling yourself that tonight, you are not going to start scratching at the PUPPP as soon as you get wet.
10:30 PM. Get out of the shower. Bleed all over your towel since your 10 PM promise to yourself didn't quite hold.
10:35 PM. Start shivering because you've just gone from hot to mercifully freezing as the menthol lotion takes effect. Consider peeing yourself from the temperature change.
10:4o PM. Stand in the living room in your towel and start singing the dermatologist's praises to your husband, who will then ask you to please move away from the picture window.
11:00 PM. Slather yourself with Temovate. Eat an apple, take another dose of Amoxicillian for skin infection and a Benadryl so that you can go to sleep and (hopefully) not scratch yourself open during the night.
11:30 PM. Fall asleep.
2:00 AM. Wake up, stumble to the bathroom. Take a pee and absentmindedly scratch your entire calf open. Spend the next 15 minutes re-applying Temovate and menthol lotion. Take another Benadryl.
4:00 AM. Wake up, stumble to the bathroom. Scratch everything. Spend the next 15 minutes re-applying Temovate and menthol lotion.
6:00 AM. Wake up, make yourself go back to sleep. Scratch through your PJs.
7:30 AM. Wake up, wonder why you're cranky. Check blood glucose, stumble to the bathroom, apply Temovate for PUPPP...