Tuesday, February 1, 2011


I've started doing a little maneuver I call the "waddlimp". It is a sexy combination of a waddle and a limp.

The waddlimp comes and goes throughout the day. Generally, I need to waddlimp less in the morning, and I waddlimp all the time at night. (By the way, I've decided that "waddlimp" is both a noun and a verb--I'm allowed to do that since I made it up.)

I'm not even especially huge (unless you count my ass), so the waddlimp is not a byproduct of belly size. Rather, the waddlimp is due to the excruciating amount of pain radiating from my right hip. As the day goes on, it becomes critically important to keep as much weight as possible off of my right leg, hence the waddlimp.

Hormones are responsible for every single crap pregnancy symptom. The hormone in question today is relaxin, which is responsible for making your previously-Victoria's-Secret-model-worthy hips wide enough to fit a baby through. Everyone knows that your hips separate during pregnancy, what no one tells you is that it hurts like fuck and that it can make your thighbone not fit in the joint properly.

Yeah, it's painful enough to make me drop the f-bomb. I'm sorry if that offended anyone (am I, really?) but I cannot stress how badly my ass hurts. My husband seems to think I'm milking it, but last night, getting into bed, my hip popped and made a noise like a pepper grinder. I think he believed that one.

If the waddlimp doesn't improve by my next OB appointment, I think I'm going to march waddlimp into the office and announce that I will not leave until I get painkillers or physical therapy. My OB is a big fan of extra strength Tylenol--I think she honestly believes it works. Extra strength Tylenol has got nothing on the waddlimp--I would know, I've been popping it every night in an effort to, you know, be able to use my legs. I'm really glad I spent the $5 to buy a foot-tall container of Tylenol at the wholesale club last month--I thought that maybe that the container would be enough to last me through two pregnancies and then I could give the rest away to homeless orphans or something, but it looks like I might just use it all now.

Oh hey, I just found this awesome Wikipedia article on Pelvic Girdle Pain, which is totally the cause of the waddlimp.

"In some cases women with PGP may also experience emotional problems such as anxiety over the cause of pain, resentment, anger, lack of self-esteem, frustration and depression; she is three times more likely to suffer postpartum depressive symptoms."

Oh yes, this is just what a neurotic basket-case like me needs to hear. I am already completely obsessed with my mood issues, I very much need an excuse to have more of them, and I absolutely must have that added x3 modifier to my PPD risk (which is already through the roof).

May 9th is 14 weeks away. The Xanax can't come soon enough.

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