Thursday, December 2, 2010

Breastfeeding, and why I'm not doing it.

Warning: this entry serves no purpose other than to let me bitch about how I'm not breastfeeding. I've got people coming at me from all angles about this decision and I'm a little tired of putting up with it.

In case you haven't figured it out from the many uses of the "i am completely neurotic" tag, I am completely neurotic. You'd be hard-pressed to find something I don't have psychological hang-ups about.

I have a thing about my body. Actually, I have many things about my body. This is probably something I should still be in therapy for, but a) my anxiety issues trump my body issues, easily, any day of the week, and b) my therapist left/retired/got fired/abandoned her practice for some reason. With five and half months left with a rapidly expanding waistline everything and no Xanax, I am constantly adding new items to my laundry list of things I absolutely loathe about myself. I also don't particularly like being touched in certain ways, which I suspect has something to do with the previous bodily hang-ups. I could go on, but I don't wish to bore you.

Instead, dear friends, I present you with...

Reasons Why I Do Not Want a Drooly, Sucky, Wet Baby-Mouth Anywhere Near my Chest

1. Things that go into you are also the things that go into your breast milk. Most commonly, women who breastfeed should avoid alcohol. This is not a big deal. The big deal is the avoiding of the Effexor and the Xanax, two things which I am becoming increasingly obsessed with getting back to as soon as possible. Especially with the possibility of a screechy, needy baby to grate on my already fragile nerves.

2. Babies drool and their mouths are all wet and warm and nasty. I'm expected to put that a part of me inside that? No. No, no, no, no, no. I don't even really like French kissing all that much because of the (minimal) spit involved.

3. I had 36C boobs. I now have 38DD boobs. I'm not even producing milk yet and they're already too big. Where the hell am I supposed to start getting bras?

4. I found a stretch mark on one of my new DD boobs. I am so not okay with this, and they are not allowed to get bigger. My boobs were the only part of me that I actually liked and now they are ruined. They will not be ruined more... not if I have anything to say about it, which I obviously do, as...

5. ...they are my boobs and I get to decide what happens with them.

6. Once you start producing milk, it's a pain in the ass to stop the process. If I can just get a few shots right off the bat to stop producing it as soon as I start, it'll be so much easier for everyone. After all, they won't have to hear me bitch about my boobs anymore.

7. Formula is just as nutritious as breast milk and vaccines exist for a reason.

8. Yes, you release oxytocin when you breastfeed, but let's get real: it's the same hormone that gets released when you pet a dog. I'd much rather pet a dog than nurse a baby.

9. Three months after giving birth, I'll be back to being a full-time student. I do not want to deal with leaky boobs when I transfer to a new school and try to make friends. There is no easy way to tell someone you just met that they are leaking through their shirt.

10. Also dealing with the above: I do not want to sneak off to the restroom between classes with a noisy breast pump.

11. I don't want anything to do with a breast pump to begin with. They ones for everyday use are very expensive (hundreds of dollars), and I'd have no way of storing the milk at school anyway. Also, I am not a cow and I do not want to be milked like one.

12. My husband helped make the baby, he should also help to feed it. Seems like, by virtue of having a penis, he's allowed a free pass on the feeding since "I'm the mother and I should nurse". Nope. Sorry, I'm not buying any sex roles today, thanks.

13. Bodily fluids are gross.

I am currently not accepting efforts to change my already made-up mind at this point, thanks. :)

1 comment:

  1. I hate that it seems as soon as you get pregnant everyone wants to be up in your business and think they have the right to dictate what you do with your own body and kid.
    Because, god forbid, you make the decision on your own for what's best for you and your family. :P